DD Defensive Distortions And Co-Dependence

Defenses provide a superficial framework of identity about who we think we are. Most of us do not separate defenses from our greater creative identity, the result being that we become creatively submerged and over-identified with how others’ reactions (towards us) define us. Defenses are constructed from reactive experiences where we have become entangled in the fears and desires of others. There is an irony that until we consciously step into our own Creative Nature it is the debris and history of our actions that define our personality characteristics.

There are three patterns of self-denial: Objectification, Subjectification and Idealization. Objectification is the fixation upon outer form so we deny our life energy by seeing only outer Beauty. Subjectification is the identification with superficial beliefs so we deny our inner light, or wisdom and disregard our Truth. Idealization is the notion that who we are is reactive selfish beings so we need to hide our egoic personality importance by demonstrating our false humility and Goodness. The maximization of these three defensive distortions produces Co-Dependence.

There are three patterns of self-denial: Objectification, Subjectification and Idealization. Objectification is the fixation upon outer form so we deny our life energy by seeing only outer Beauty. Subjectification is the identification with superficial beliefs so we deny our inner light, or wisdom and disregard our Truth. Idealization is the notion that who we are is reactive selfish beings so we need to hide our egoic personality importance by demonstrating our false humility and Goodness. The maximization of these three defensive distortions produces Co-Dependence.

Unfortunately, we soon learn how difficult it can be when we are not aligned in our actions, thoughts and passions. Co-Dependence is also a set of compromises that distort our ability to be present with others fully. The result of Co-Dependence is that over time it undermines our Autonomy, minimizes Intimacy and prevents conscious relationships.

It is our premise that each individual is a source of Life, Light and Love. As we each confront our defensive shadows (the denial of Life/Through Excitement and Inertia, Light/Through Intensity and Competition or Love/Through Anxiety and Resistance), we discover internal resources that support us in unexpected and powerfully creative ways. Within our design there is a natural evolution where gradually we embody our Beauty, Truth and Goodness. Expressing our creative nature is the fast path to this. This discussion is for those who are choosing to engage their inner defensive obstacles so they can become fully resourced and creative human beings. The main obstacles we encounter are inaccurate self-perceptions that reinforce and attract compromised ways of being with others. This process requires letting go of attachments to doing, unlearn rigid, protective, egoic, intellectual positions and clarify our motivations so we can be of greater service. It is a call to those who want to be natural contributors and who wish to grow with others willing to engage their lessons directly. As always, it is not for the feint of heart or those who would rather be window shoppers instead of committed participants because the experience can be terrifying and demanding beyond belief. It requires reexamination and deconstruction of our personality defense structures so we can recover our authentic capabilities.

There are three Defensive Shadows that reflect the inner disconnection of Life, Light and Love. When we disconnect from our Life energy, we get caught up in Excitement while trying to please others. When we disconnect from our Light energy, we get caught up in Intensity, which is the attempt to prove that what we know is more or better than what others know. When we disconnect from our Love energy, we get caught up in Anxiety and believe we have to fix the world. The primary indication that we are disconnected from our Creative Self is personal Inertia, Competition and Resistance (discounting respectively—Life, Light and Love). Each distortion compounds our difficulty when operating in the world. These distortions (what we call shadows) are formally known as Objectification, Subjectification and Idealization; words that are self-limiting and judgmental. Objectification minimizes the power of Life energy by making our self and others small. Subjectification is the imposition of one person’s reality (either emotional or intellectual) upon another with the intention of imposing our will over them. Idealization is a fixation on an external ideal or goal at the cost of our goodness and humanity. These three defensive shadows create dualistic perceptions that sabotage our ability to contribute and be Co-Creative.

We become distracted (by connecting to others using Excitement, Intensity and Anxiety) and separate ourselves to avoid the experiences of Inertia, Competition and Resistance. While others may see these qualities in us, it is hard (when caught up in them) to accept how they sabotage our lives. What is unnoticed is when judging others based on their appearance, ideas or ideals, it diverts us from being responsible for our experience. Instead, we blame others for their Inertia, Competition or Resistance. Objectification, Subjectification and Idealization prevent us from being in our power and present. They sabotage our ability to engage others in co-creative ways. The shadows also represent disconnections between our Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts. This paper discusses how we create isolated realities using these defensive shadows. While reading this document, consider to what degree the defensive shadows of Inertia, Competition and Resistance are now a part of your life. We will also present ways to neutralize the shadows so our lives can be more enriched, aligned and self-generating.

This self paced online webinar, includes 4 class videos (one for each problem), download links to the pdf’s of classes and mp3 audio files. No Prerequisites required.

Objectification, at its most disconnected, is the need to metaphorically ‘possess’ or see our partner as less then they are, which is driven by instinctive Gender Identity fears of not being wanted or seen (or the need to leave a lasting legacy). Paradoxically, when we objectify someone, we create a one-dimensional flatland where the physical, material reality is everything. Our over attachment to the five outer senses keeps us from developing our inner senses. We do not notice that role-playing is a limbo state of disconnection that makes possible a false sense of safety.

The pursuit of transitory outer Beauty also prevents us from seeing and engaging the inner Beauty in us all. What drives this is the belief that Pleasure is a direct result of possessing Beauty (which results in false safety). What actually occurs is that we automatically seek partners whose conditioning is complementary so we can fall in love with our idea of each other. We objectify others to maximize our fantasy of separative pleasure because we do not know that shared pleasures are more fulfilling.

Subjectification is at its zenith (most non-communicative) is when we believe we are right without knowing the other’s point of view. Paradoxically, when we subjectify someone, we create a two dimensional framework where the goal is to subsume their truth in ours. The more we use our intellectual or emotional reality to make a partner wrong, the more we end up defining ourselves in terms of differences rather than similarities. Our pursuit of outer Power means we get stuck in the modalities of knowing that appear to provide the most leverage over others.

We do not recognize how we automatically dismiss and discount the truth of others (subjectification) when it does not match our own understanding. Instead of questioning how to include the understanding of others, we seek the easier route of denying their perspectives, which closes down mutual growth. Intensity and competition encourages us to challenge our perceptions by choosing individuals who are our opposite, which can increase co-dependency. We engage in Subjectification to maximize the egoic perception of power (over others) that comes from believing winning is more important than growth.

Idealization is at its most non-creative when we fall into the belief, we need to help others because they are naturally less capable. Releasing ourselves from Idealization means we can be supportive without diminishing someone’s natural effort. Paradoxically, when we idealize someone, we create an imbalance in ourselves that can only be resolved by projecting our fears and desires on them.

The less we are able to balance and connect our feelings with our emotions, the more we believe that the solutions are outside of us rather than inside. Our avoidance of repulsion keeps us repeating the same patterns and stuck in the past. Until we realize that we need to challenge who we are on a creative level every day, the desire for comfort will automatically self-sabotage any goal or ideal we may have.

Only when we are able to go beyond self-limiting perceptions will we find ways to embody our Truth without idealizing it. Instead of seeking Goodness outside of ourselves, we can realize our natural Goodness in every small step we take. We discover that Idealization traps us in a desire for hopefulness to avoid the repulsion of despair. We finally see that despair is a friend that frees our ability (along with humility) to express our natural Goodness.

How do we get pulled into Co-Dependent patterns? This discussion helps us to see how Co-Dependence works. We will do a process to identify how much Co-Dependence we may have in our primary relationships. There are many negative indicators for Co-Dependence. Different individuals bring out these issues, depending on their perceived strengths and weaknesses.

This makes it harder to identify the overarching issues of Co-Dependence. What we seek in a partner, when we are not sure who we are, is someone who will make us feel okay about ourselves. When we have difference strengths and weaknesses, it enhances Co-Dependence. The more we focus on our Personality programming, and seek partners who pay attention to our Fears and Desires, the less chance we have for a fulfilling relationship. This is the result of not taking responsibility for the choices we make in our relationships. Instead, we maximize the potential that we could fall in love, so we do not have to choose someone to love.

Co-Dependence is the result of having inappropriate priorities. If we deny ourselves and seek others to be our solutions, we are defined by this Co-Dependence. If we honor ourselves and love being who we are, our capacity to be loved increases and we can accept whatever gifts our partner offers without becoming lost in the process. For some of us, this requires loving and rebuilding our lives so we can rely on ourselves to take care of our Safety, Security and Self-Importance. These are the fundamental drives of our Personality Programming. When these qualities are embodied and accepted in ourselves, we are able to become more Transpersonal. This is when we have more freedom in giving and taking, because we are not compromising ourselves. Until we keep ourselves from compromise, we are susceptible to Co-Dependent patterns.