Why do we end up feeling locked into our relationships? Why do we feel compelled to stay in relationships that are not working? Why do we imagine having a relationship without consequences or confinement? It is because we do not want to be responsible for our relationship outcomes! Instead, we are caught is excitement, intensity and anxiety attractions that make us indifferent to long term relationship consequences. We seek to live for today believing we can fix tomorrow. Co-Dependence establishes a network of needs where we are not sure what or who is guiding our path. The answer is our conditioning, instinctive impulses, and fear. We become the victims of our own lack of boundaries and power.
How do we get pulled into Co-Dependent patterns? Co-Dependence is a crutch we use to falsely enhance our Safety, Security and Self-Importance. Co-Dependence is a set of compromises that distort our ability to be present with others fully. As such, it is a façade that keeps us from being creative, open and playful. The result of Co-Dependence is that over time it undermines our Autonomy, minimizes Intimacy and prevents conscious relationships. This discussion helps us to see how Co-Dependence works. We will do processes to identify how much Co-Dependence we may have in our primary relationships. Co-Dependence is the result of having inappropriate priorities. If we deny ourselves and seek others to be our solutions, we are defined by this Co-Dependence. If we honor ourselves and love being who we are, our capacity to be loved increases and we can accept whatever gifts our partner offers without becoming lost in the process. This self-paced online webinar includes 6 class videos download links for pdf’s of the classes and mp3 audio files. The recommended prerequisite is the HA Creative Uniqueness series.
Identifying With Co-Dependence
When we meet someone, we may feel seen (accepted) or not seen (rejected), which leads us to either hold back, or we try to engage the person to change their mind about us. We may also begin to compare and evaluate how their weaknesses relate to our Strengths. This allows us to say something that can add value to them. Ultimately, we want them to need us more than we need them, so we have more choices (than them). Unfortunately, when we get caught up in a Co-Dependent pattern, our partner's perception of us can change if we say the wrong thing at the wrong time. The game becomes how we can constantly get our partner to see our value so they do not look to someone else to take care of them. This is Co-Dependent thinking at its best.
There are many negative indicators of Co-Dependence. Different individuals bring out different aspects of Co-Dependence, depending on their perceived strengths and weaknesses. This makes it harder to identify the overarching issues of Co-Dependence. What we seek in a partner, when we are not sure who we are, is someone who will make us feel okay about ourselves. When we have different strengths and weaknesses, it enhances Co-Dependence. The more we focus on our Personality programming, and seek partners who pay attention to our Fears and Desires, the less chance we have for a fulfilling relationship. This is the result of not taking responsibility for the choices we make in our relationships. Instead, we maximize the potential that we could fall in love, so we do not have to choose someone to love.
Co-Dependence feels murky, compromised and slimy. This is because, like Seduction, it is based mostly on the projection of possibilities that are unlikely to come true. We hold onto the hope that we will be seen without any demonstration by our partners that they actually see us. If they did see us, they would know who we are, what we represent and what we could deliver in a relationship. Instead, the mystery of someone is emphasized and we make poor choices that lead to greater polarization and neediness. It is ironic that the arc of Co-Dependence starts with convincing our partner who we are not and ends up justifying the polarization we create in the relationship. This is why the fundamental compromises reduce our ability to leave the relationship when it is not working.
The answer is being aware of how we search for others to take care of us. When we choose our parental pattern parents, it increases the likelihood of Co-Dependence. What we want is a partner who supports us being who we are, rather than needing us to be less so they can feel better about themselves. This means choosing a partner who is Autonomous and creatively self-empowered. If we choose someone who is not strong in their sense of self, they end up unconsciously trying to pull us down with them. Most importantly, we need to learn who we are so we can express ourselves without confusion. We will not need to define our partner as someone who fulfills our needs.
Co-Dependence is the result of having inappropriate priorities. If we deny ourselves and seek others to be our solutions, we are defined by this Co-Dependence. If we honor ourselves and love being who we are, our capacity to be loved increases and we can accept whatever gifts our partner offers without becoming lost in the process. For some of us, this requires loving and rebuilding our lives so we can rely on ourselves to take care of our Safety, Security, and Self-Importance. These are the fundamental drives of our Personality Programming. When these qualities are embodied and accepted in ourselves, we are able to become more Transpersonal. This is when we have more freedom in giving and receiving because we are not compromising ourselves. Until we keep ourselves from compromise, we are susceptible to Co-Dependent patterns.
Unconscious relationships promise freedom but deliver pain. When we negotiate a role-based relationship it is usually is how we idealize ourselves. It is about what we 'want' to be and how we have not been seen in the past. This has more to do with how we have been discounted or denied than how we truly are. The irony is that these false assumptions become the structure of the relationship that we then resent. Paradoxically, attempts to free ourselves end up binding us more tightly. This becomes particularly evident when we expect our partners to save us from ourselves. Co-Dependence is where we gradually smother our self and our partner in a mutual death pact.
Co-Dependence arises when we doubt our own creative capacity and instead, rely on others to guide and support us. The tragedy of Co-Dependence is that it keeps us from accepting our creative greatness. Instead of defining ourselves in terms of our best contribution, we get caught up in patterns where we frame our experiences in terms of the needs of others. Unfortunately, the translation from who we are to what others want us to be is not great and leaves a lot to be desired. Co-Dependence creates confusion, compromise, constant reactions, doubts, irritation and anxiety. The major problem of Co-Dependence is it reduces our consciousness and capacity to see our creative gifts; we do not see a way to escape.
We heal Co-Dependence by first recognizing the elements that make us susceptible to it. Every individual has certain Fears, Desires, and needs that are harder to manifest (for themselves), which opens us up to see how others could take care of us. We will also evaluate our weaknesses and why we seek individuals with complementary strengths to make us feel more secure. This allows us to understand how our attempts to be seen actually end up denying us. This occurs because unconsciously, many of our partner choices are afraid of our increasing success. Finally, we will discuss the unconscious decision-making processes that define how we end up with the people we do.
This class is self-revealing and process-driven. It requires admitting our Fears and uncomfortable Desires. The more we can tell our Truth about our experiences of Safety, Security and Self Importance, the easier it will be for us to take ownership of our Creative Nature and Autonomy. What is valuable is to regain integrity by understanding the Context of the motivation to express ourselves. We do this by seeing our own Beauty, Truth and Goodness so we no longer carry the burdens of parental guilt, shame and blame. In effect, we re-envision how we can be a conscious contributor. In this framework, there is no need for compromise.
Co-Dependence reduces our Autonomy, Intimacy and Co-Creativity. To the degree we cannot distinguish ourselves from our partners, we cannot be true to ourselves. Conscious partners operate from their abundance because they have a framework for knowing what is right for them. If we do not develop our capacity to accept our individual Beauty, Truth and Goodness, we are not able to contribute to our partner. In Co-Dependent states, when we do not know what we want, we cannot request it from a partner. Externalizing our Truth so our partner knows how we see things, allows them to actually support us. If we cannot share our Truth, our ability to align with others in Co-Creative ways is undermined.
One of the best ways to neutralize Co-Dependence is through Passionate Indifference. Passionate Indifference allows us to fully connect to others without buying into their fears, desires or stories. Instead of the Distant defense pattern of checking out, we remain available to others. Our objective is to be present with someone without becoming enmeshed or repulsed by their personality. We need to demonstrate that we can see them, but that we do not believe they are limited by how they currently express themselves. When we believe we have to take care of someone, it is because we think they are less capable or that we are better at something. This creates a situation with limited and porous boundaries. Conscious individuals want the choice to express themselves however they wish in the moment. With Passionate Indifference the paradox of engaging others without losing our Self is possible.
Healing Co-Dependence is about reducing reactions so our natural creativity can connect. This requires less fixed structures (or beliefs) in the relationship so we can explore beyond our current boundaries. We need to release our partners from our limiting beliefs so the relationship can evolve and transform. Letting go of judgments about our sensations, feelings, emotions and thoughts also facilitates this. It is comparisons between ourselves and others about these experiential modalities that are the basis of making our worse case assessments. Co-Dependence leads to protective and directive behaviors that irritate and undermine any mutual understanding and compassion. When mutual contempt shows up, the relationship becomes poisonous. We can avoid this outcome if we are willing to learn about who our partners truly are and commit ourselves to serve their highest aspirations.
Six Co-Dependent Discussions:
- How Deep is our Co-Dependence?
- The Mechanics of Co-Dependence
- Building Safety, Security and Self Importance
- Autonomy, Intimacy and Co-Creativity
- Practicing Passionate Indifference
- Transforming Co-Dependence