How To See And Understand Defensive Patterns 3
Defenses provide a superficial framework of identity about who we think we are. Most of us do not separate defenses from our greater creative identity, the result being that we become creatively submerged and over-identified with how others’ reactions (towards us) define us. Defenses are constructed from reactive experiences where we have become entangled in the fears and desires of others. There is an irony that until we consciously step into our own Creative Nature it is the debris and history of our actions that define our personality characteristics. There are three patterns of self-denial: Objectification, Subjectification and Idealization. Idealization is when we attempt to project our ideals upon others falsely believing that they will implement them to our standards. We end up operating in systems of comparison where our self-importance or goodness is tested against others. We either blame others or blame ourselves.
Idealization is an attempt to get others to do what we want in the name of a greater good. Instead of self-validating our experience of an ideal, we project it onto others so we can blame them when it does not happen. Idealization is, therefore, an attempt to create a common goodness-producing process without personal ownership of the process. In Idealization, like Projections, we create a level of self-importance that either impacts us or our partners. We may see ourselves as superior and dump our stuff on our partners, or see our as partners as superior, believing we should accept their dumping. Since projections are mostly motivated by imbalances between our Feelings and Emotions (reflecting our body-mind imbalance) everything has a tenuous counter-reflective quality. We cannot discern if an issue is really ours or not.
When we get caught in Idealization patterns, they reflect an underlying perspective of our self-importance. Where we think we are relative to others determines how we respond to them. We may inflate another’s value by overdoing Romantic Mythology. Or we deflate their value by believing we need to control them (for their own good). The more we see in others that uplifts us, the more inspiration we feel. If someone repulses us, the more we want to forget and get away from them. How we treat others, then, is based upon how important they appear to our well being. Of course, we discover this over time. Some people ignore these issues and try to fix their self importance as an arbitrary value based on historical norms. These individuals quickly reveal their rigidity and lack of growth.
When we overdo self-importance, we see ourselves as superior and try to get others to live up to our standards of excellence. This is commonly perceived as being critical, judgmental, or perfectionistic. When we under-do self-importance, we look to others for inspiration and hope, believing that if we imitate their approach, we will do better. This frequently leads to depression, self-denial and fear that we cannot make our own way or make a major contribution that others will accept. Of course, it does not take long before we start to blame others for our problems, which is another form of Projection. We start to realize how much of our experience is based upon our interpretations and not around any absolute comparisons.
We classify Idealization by a range of values between 1 and 7, where 1 means no Idealization. If we are scored between 1 and 2.9, Idealization is mostly neutralized, resulting in clarity about our boundaries and the boundaries of others. This means we know what is our business and can appropriately invite others to transact mutual business. If we score between 3 and 4.9, we have an average degree of Idealization, where we envy those who are perceived as successful or enjoy life more. This means that Anxiety and Projections distract us from accepting our Context, which reduces our ability to love others as they are. If we have a score of 5 or more, our Idealization is high, which makes us unable to love ourselves. We operate in patterns of false humility or exaggerated self -importance. A full Compatibility Assessment provides these scores.
Approximately 30% have an idealization score above 4.9, which means they are caught up in self-importance and frequently blame others for their own issues. Either their self esteem drives them to demand that others be more like them, or their self respect makes them want to give up and be like others. Zealous attempts to be perfect undermine their humanity because they cannot admit mistakes. There is another 20% of the population with idealization scores between 3 and 4.9. This group mostly tries to live up to the higher aspirations of their heroes or heroines. The remaining 50% of the population have low idealization, because they have not yet grown into a place of engaging their ideals. This is also why there are much lower numbers of people doing Idealization than Subjectification or Objectification.
Facilitators: Larry Byram & Sandra Jaquith
Prerequisites: Creative Uniqueness (recommended)
Class Schedule: Thursday, November 1st 2018
Location: 2945 Center Green Court, Ste. E, Boulder, CO 80301
Class Times: 6 to 9pm MST